Doctor Love

A musical farce in two acts based on Molière

with composer David Lyon

After Albert's Bridge, the composer David Lyon and I wrote Doctor Love. I adapted the libretto from Molière's L'Amour Médecin. I was asked if I had taken liberties; the answer was yes, liberties and egalities and fraternities. I put Molière himself on stage, complaining about the indignities of theatrical life, and introduced Louis XIV into the action. I'd like to think the greatest of French writers would not have disapproved of what I did with his piece, which he had knocked off in five days.

Doctor Love was staged at the Tobacco Factory theatre, Bristol, in 2008. A reviewer described the production as "Commedia dell'arte meets Carry on Camping."

Excerpt from Doctor Love

	VENDOR approaching, a tray slung around his neck. He is attended by dancing CRONIES. Sung -
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
SCANDRELL	I must buy some for her. It's a well-tried standby.
VENDOR	The ills that flesh is heir to, Just count them, and be sure You'll not enumerate all those This magic box will cure.
CRONIES	The ills that flesh is heir to, Just count them, and be sure You'll not enumerate all those This magic box will cure.
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
SCANDRELL	Sir, I'll take a box of your specific.
CRONIES	Sir, he'll take a box of your specific.
VENDOR (with interventions from CRONIES)
	Measles, or sneezles, irrational fear of weasels. Scabies, or rabies, and things you can get from babies. Mumps, or bumps, or down in the dumps. Diphtheria, hysteria, a rash on your posterior. The value of the gold, sir, Of every land on earth Is nothing in comparison With what this box is worth.
CRONIES	The value of the gold, sir, Of every land on earth Is nothing in comparison With what this box is worth.
SCANDRELL	Sir, I believe every word you say. Nothing begins to pay you adequately, but here's a sou. Will that do?
	VENDOR snatches the coin, inspects it carefully, turns to the cronies grinning, and selects a box. He sings slowly and slyly:
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES (slowly and conspiratorially): Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
ALL (in tempo, triumphant) Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
VENDOR	Contusions, confusions, premature conclusions. Shingles, and tingles following a flingles. Aches and pains, migraines, balding heads, chilblains. Pox, and shocks, and ill-matching socks. Flushes, blushes, indifference to thrushes. Winter chills, unpaid bills, dull quadrilles, blunted quills, illicit thrills.
CRONIES	Illicit thrills!
	A dance starts.
VENDOR	The ills that flesh is heir to, Just count them, and be sure You'll not enumerate all those This magic box will cure.
VENDOR + CRONIES The value of the gold, sir,
	Of every land on earth Is nothing in comparison With what this box is worth.
CRONIES	With what this box is worth.
VENDOR	This magic box is worth.
CRONIES	This magic box is worth.
	CRONIES have been dancing around him to express their satisfaction. They begin to exit, with VENDOR.
VENDOR	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
VENDOR (song fading) Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!
CRONIES	Doctor Patrick's Prophylactics!